Parenting Tips
1. Something to think about - Is the Behavior Serious or Merely Annoying? Tip—Your level of irritation over something is not always the real measure of the seriousness of the problem.
2. Use parenting techniques that foster self-esteem in children. Self-esteem means "feeling loveable and capable". Self-esteem is both gleaned from those around us (being loved and valued) and earned (becoming a capable, growing person). Both components are equally important.
Part of our job as parents is to help our children to have good self-esteem. All parenting techniques have the potential to build up or tear down self-esteem. Positively-stated suggestions are esteem-building; criticism or sarcasm erodes self-esteem. Other, less obvious techniques, such as consequences, rewards, or teaching the steps to a task, can also be highly esteem-building since they teach our children to be responsible and capable.
Self esteem-building tools:
I-Messages. I-messages help parents correct their children without calling them names. For example, instead of saying, "You are so lazy!" a parent can say, "When you don't do listen to me, I feel disappointed and disrespected." The child gets very specific information on what behavior is wrong instead of general criticism of his character.
Consequences. Consequences promote learning and responsible behavior without threats. A threat intends to frighten a child into obedience and is usually critical or punishing. Consequences offer real experience and real choices. A natural consequence happens by itself: the child who forgets his homework gets in trouble at school. A logical consequence is imposed by the parent: the child who does a poor job of cleaning his room must re-do it or live with the consequences of a messy room.
Consistent experience with fair consequences help children develop into capable people.
Attention. This is a classic esteem-builder if it is used correctly. Pay attention to the behavior you want to see. Comment on it. Reward it. For example, "I really appreciate it when you are kind to your little brother." Eventually the child will internalize your feedback--"I am kind to little children."
Attention can also be negative. For example, "What? Another bad report? You are grounded for the term." Again, the child will internalize your message, "I am stupid and I don't deserve to have friends over."
Positive attention can build a good and realistic self-image.
3. Take a different perspective
I always concentrate on the parent in the parenting relationship but I want to look at parenting from the child’s point of view.
When you have a child they are thrown into an environment which is already established. In that environment there is a mom and a dad. They have a home and jobs, an established routine and aspirations. There may also be other siblings, not to mention the extended family of grandparents, uncles and aunts. All these people have expectations about their own lives and also the lives of others around them. There may be expectations for a baby boy or girl, or there may be expectations of the child’s capabilities. Sometimes the child is unplanned or there may be the hope that this child may save a stormy marriage. Expectations may be obvious but often lurk under the surface, some may never have been verbalized or may even be hidden from those who have them. Parents are not aware of all these expectations and the dynamic that goes with them.
For a minute I would like you to imagine that you have been abducted from earth and have been transported to a strange planet. On this planet you find that these aliens speak another language, and are far stronger then you and are way bigger then you. You have been left in the care of a family, they are kind but you are helpless. You don’t speak the language and have little means of communicating your needs. Gradually as you get used to them you also start to grow a little bigger and become a little stronger. You begin to understand some of what they say. But just as you start to understand the dynamic in their home you find that these rules do not apply to all situations. These aliens have friends and family and with them present you need to follow different rules. These rules are never verbalized, you are just expected to know them. When you don’t follow these unspoken rules the aliens get really embarrassed and punish you. Sometimes they even hit you and take away your things. Once or twice they have locked you in your room. When you ask them to explain the rules they do not understand what you mean. They tell you they love you and you must be good. You have no idea what good really means. This is all so confusing for you! This situation reminds me of a day in the life of a young child being expected to behave nicely at a not too close relative’s home while visiting them.
Of course it’s difficult for parents. Babies come into our lives, sometimes expected and much wanted, but sometimes a baby is the last thing needed. There is no instruction manual and parents are ill equipped. What makes it worse is that each child is different and what works for one child may not work for another. Babies and young children are non verbal and are totally dependent and there is no respite. Children are 24/7!
As children grow they often feel the burden of their parent’s unspoken expectations. They may feel their parent’s unspoken disappointment when they don't excel at sport and academics? Many young people feel pressurised to enter studies for careers they hate just to meet their parent’s expectations. But as parents we are the adults and we need to bear in mind that our job is to accompany our children on their journey toward independence. If we are to do this successfully we need to look at our expectations and the expectations of the other significant people in our lives. We need to identify these expectations and to identify which are going to cause problems.
